where did the old me go?

A few weeks ago a friend of mine said she was having a get together for a tarot reading. She said that there was an open spot and wanted to know if I was interested in taking it. Now I know what you are thinking…tarot reading?? I know there are some of you that are skeptic of psychics or mediums and that’s okay. However, I do believe there are people who have the ability to talk to the “dead”. I believe there are spirits around us.

Anyways, the tarot reader only had a limit of 6 people to read that night. I was one of those 6. I hadn’t seen a psychic in over 2 years, and I was excited to be read. I have been to a few readings in the past and for some reason this reading made me emotional. I have never cried in a reading before. I couldn’t believe how she said things I needed to hear. Shannon (the reader) told me to believe in signs I have been given but have denied them. She mentioned about one sign in particular, about how spirits leave coins, for example; pennies. She said that it’s sad we don’t have pennies anymore (because we don’t make them in Canada) and they won’t be able to drop pennies as a sign. She also told me I have 7 people around me all the time to help guide and protect me. She went on and on.

The next day I felt I needed to tell my sister how my reading went. She was unable to chat with me right away, so I sent her the recording of my reading to see what she thought and we would catch up when she could.

She called me that evening lol. She understood what Shannon said the cards told me. She said she cried when she listened because she could hear the emotion in my voice and laughed because I asked a silly question. Then our conversation turned into about the past. She talked about what I was like before I had my surgery in 2004 (for my mitral valve). She said I was a very serious person, and they were careful what they could say to me. For example; they couldn’t joke around me because I would take it personally. I would get angry with the person for days even sometimes months!

When she was saying this to me, I couldn’t believe I forgot that is exactly what I was like! Then she continued to say after my surgery I was a totally different person. I looked at “life is too short” and did all the things I wanted to the fullest. I was happy, always telling people I loved them, and hugged them even! I looked at my life in a positive perspective. Then she told me when I had my collapse I changed again. I changed but in a different way, I am still a happy person, I just started to show signs of being afraid, and who worry’s a lot not that I didn’t always worry in the past but just even more.

I didn’t disagree with her when she told me this, I knew right away it was true. I did do those things. I do still look at life it’s short but I am not doing the things I loved. After the conversation we had, I went to bed and of course started to think about what we talked about, and I said to myself, “where did the old me go?” “what happened to me?” “why am I afraid?”

I woke up the next morning feeling very refreshed. I don’t know what it was, I just felt HAPPY! It was almost like I was a whole new person! I couldn’t be more thankful to be alive and I have my sister to thank for helping me “wake up”.

When I went to work that morning, I went to my desk and I pulled my chair out, and I noticed there was something on the floor………..it was a shiny penny! an American penny at that! I couldn’t believe it! I was shocked!! I immediately took a picture and sent it to my sister. She replied back saying “see trust in the signs”. I was in awe!

A few weeks later I chatted with my brother about this and he asked me did you see what year the penny was? I said no I didn’t even think to look at the year, I was just shocked that there was a penny! lol! I told him I would check in the morning what the year was. So I went to work the next day, checked the penny and the year on it was……………………………………………….2012!!!!

I quickly sent him a picture of the penny and he replied back saying “the year of your collapse!” I said “I know!!” I couldn’t believe it! I was in awe again! I also sent it to my sister and she asked me “what does this mean to you?” I replied back ” the year of my collapse”. Now, if that isn’t a sign I don’t know what is!!! I couldn’t believe that Shannon was right! To watch the signs, to believe in them!

I have said earlier I do believe in spirits and I definitely believe someone is giving me a sign they are here helping me.

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Still alive!! 

Yep! Its true, I’m still alive! I just haven’t written in a while and it’s time to update. Lots happened in 2014.

First, I finally got an appointment to see a genetic counsellor to see if I could get Long QT genetic testing done.

On May 21, 2014 I went to the Alberta Health genetic clinic and talked with Tara the genetic counsellor about my case. With reviewing my medical history and collapse, they didn’t see why I wouldn’t be approved for Alberta Health to pay for the test. They also said it would take a few weeks to find out from the board if I would be approved and if I was then it would take a few months for the results.

After waiting over 2 years to have this test done, I was so happy to have someone help me get this going. I left the clinic emotional because over 2 years since my collapse I was finally going to get answers. When I shared my story to the counsellor I thought I wouldn’t be emotional. But I was. As my good friend once told me emotions are like waves of the ocean, sometimes they will be calm at bay and sometimes rough. It’s true! Some days I don’t even think about it and I’m fine. But when something special happens I get emotional and thankful I’m alive!

For a few weeks after the appointment I started to worry……..in other words I started having anxiety. I worried… what if I wasn’t approved? How would we pay for it? What if I have Long QT? What if I didn’t?? What would be my next step? Would there be another test to find out answers? The list went on and on.

I was up and down. I was beginning to feel anxiety that I had after my collapse, so I decided to see my Dr and ask him if I should see a psychologist. He thought that I should and meet with one he highly recommended. I ended having a phone session with the psychologist and what a difference that made. She was so helpful. She told me that it was normal to have these anxieties with a trauma I had. I felt relieved! I really did think I was going crazy! She said I could call her anytime if I felt I needed to, but after that conversation I knew I wouldn’t need to. I knew there wasn’t anything I could do until I heard from the clinic with the answers.

June 10, I received a phone call from Tara telling me, I’m approved!!!! The board was going to do the test! I was so happy!! Tara said that I had to have my blood drawn so they could test it and we would get the results in a few months. She predicted the fall sometime. I quickly went got my blood drawn that day! I didn’t want to delay it any longer.

On September 4, I found out my results of the test……..it was good news and bad in a way, the good news was that I didn’t test positive for the Long QT gene, and our children/my siblings do not have the gene either. They also will not have to have ICD’s implanted for precautionary measures which is a relief! But the bad news is that there isn’t any other testing for the heart that I can have done and so that gives me no real concrete answers to why my collapse happened. So it gave me mixed feelings not that I wanted to have Long QT but I just wanted to have an answer. After all we are human and we like to know answers.

So in a nut shell, I am still without answers but I am so blessed being alive!!! I’m thankful for a lot of things, we have three beautiful children, a granddaughter who was born on April 9/14 and one more grandchild on the way! What else could I ask for!

2014 was a good year!


time

The last post I had said I was home to start my recovery but something happened…………

Before I start on what happened, DC and I left British Columbia on February 9 th and flew to Saskatchewan to see my sister B and my Mom. We had flown there because when DC heard about my incident, he could only get a flight out in Saskatchewan, so he had driven there with our truck and left it at my sister’s place. I was so happy to see B because I knew she had been so worried about me. When I was in the hospital I hadn’t spoken to anyone but my children. I was not ready to talk to people yet. So I knew that I wanted to see B to make sure that she knew I was alright. We had only stayed one night since I was very anxious to get home and see our children. DC drove the 7 hrs that it takes to get home from my sister’s, it was a very long trip and all I wanted was just to get home and be with my children.

My wonderful Sister-in-law J (who flew out from New Brunswick) was with our two out of three children, D and E (C lives on her own in Alberta) who were waiting for us to arrive. When we arrived, there were balloons and welcome home sign. I was so over whelmed, (they even baked me some goodies!) and really emotional, that when I hugged D, I am sure that every mother would agree with me when I say this, but when you see your child (I am tearing up as I type this) seeing your child’s face looking at you and is glad that you are alright. Seeing that look, is the hardest thing I could ever see. Something that I do not want to see again. Ever!! But E just had come home from a friend’s birthday party to see me too. Another hard thing seeing our son so emotional and happy to see his mother.

So as I said earlier something happened, well we had only been home for two days and we got a phone call from my sister B………….More bad news!! As if 2012 couldn’t be any worse!! Well it did turn out even worse because B said Dad was rushed to the hospital by ambulance because he couldn’t breathe. B said that she would find out from the hospital what his prognosis was and get back to me. B called telling me that when he couldn’t breathe, Dad had a small heart attack and then in the middle of the night he ended up having a stroke, so they needed to send him to a bigger hospital. They had transferred him to another hospital and he had another stroke that next day. The doctors called and told me that there was no chance of him surviving this and didn’t know how long he had left. This just couldn’t get any worse!!! DC and I had made the decision to go back to Saskatchewan. We had decided that we would leave that next morning (because it’s a 7 hour drive and by the time we had talked to the doctor it was already late) which was for Feb 16, but…….. We got the “call” my father had passed at 11:51 pm on February 15. We left at midnight.

K,M, DC and I arrived at the same time, us coming from Manitoba and K & M from BC. We all saw our father and I still feel like I had dreamed all of this and still haven’t mourned my father’s death since I was still trying to recover from my episode. I don’t have any regrets, but I think that no matter what you will always have that feeling the back of your mind……. Did he know??? I am sure he did but because I hadn’t spoken to him in about a year you just never know. Like I said earlier I still feel like this is all a dream and that he is just going to call me up and see what I’m up to or why I haven’t called in a while? I know “it takes time to heal”, and I know now that I have been given more time to heal………………….